Fear and Desire
By Logan Steinberger
I am beginning to believe that a great many of my goals and aspirations, especially those that I feel the absence of so desperately, are born not of desire but of fear.
“I want to start my own business so that I don’t have to worry about being fired.”
“I want to own a home so that I don’t have to worry about my landlord kicking me out or jacking up my rent.”
“I want to live on a farm and grow my own food so that I don’t have to worry about inflation.”
“I want to win the lottery so that I don’t have to worry about going to work.”
These goals sound like desires, but they’re all running away from a fear, not towards a true desire.
I started my career in 2016, making about $1,400 a month and biking to work in the snow because I couldn’t yet afford a car. The fear of losing anything at that point, of ending up living in the cold, never even passed my mind. I was far too occupied with dreaming of the places I wanted to adventure, the lives I wanted to save, the worlds I wanted to change, to worry about something as silly as money.
But I stumbled upon a few subreddits about personal finance, and read folks’ stories about how they were building their financial castles to protect themselves against any and all evils. Without my noticing, a fear planted itself in my mind as a seed that looked like desire. After all, who doesn’t want to be invincible?
It would obviously be far easier to do anything else I wanted to do if I had a castle to do it from, no? The dreams would have to wait until I had somewhere to retreat to if I failed. I watered that seed of fear diligently, I learned about budgeting, emergency savings, interest rates, and credit scores. I learned the difference between Roth and Traditional retirement savings accounts, and about exponential growth, passive income, and job hopping for raises.
The more I read, the more I believed, the more I knew that I could reach a position where I could not be harmed, if I could just make and keep more money. Brick by brick, I kept building.
I saved an emergency fund to cover a month of expenses, then three months, then six months.
I contributed a large percentage of my income to tax-advantaged retirement savings.
I left a meaningful job to chase bigger paychecks.
I invested in a diverse portfolio of stocks and bonds. (80% tech stocks is diverse enough, right?)
I secured a passive income stream.
I paid down debt and reduced unnecessary expenses like charitable giving, hobbies, and art.
I became more financially secure in every measurable way. I kept telling myself, “okay, once I graduate college, then I’ll actually do something to help others. Once I get that job, then I’ll start focusing on giving back to my community.”.
Every milestone that I hit, I expected to feel less scared. But I didn’t. If anything, I felt more scared. I am scared all of the time; despite everything I’ve done to insulate myself from my fear.
It all feels a bit like swimming across a body of water towards an island or a boat or an opposite shore.
Every now and then you pick your head up to see how much closer you are, except somehow the destination looks even further away than when you started.
Eventually you consider turning back but realize that shore is now just as far away.
And that’s the real issue with building a castle, isn’t it? The taller you build those walls, the more catapults, moats, drawbridges, and wrought iron gates that you add, the tougher it becomes to go outside the castle. You’re not just sealing evils out, you’re sealing yourself inside. You’re insulating yourself from all of the bad, but also from much of the good.
I told myself back at the start that the reason I wasn’t chasing my passions, going on adventures, helping others, or saving the world, was that I wasn’t in the financial position to do so. That’s been my answer ever since, and ultimately it was a lie. The reason I wasn’t chasing my passions was because I was too busy running away from my fear. I took my eyes off my destination, tossed my map, and ran as fast as I could from the specter behind me. No matter how far or how fast that I ran, the specter was always behind me, every time I turned around. I ran until I was utterly, bewilderingly lost. And the specter was still there. I’ve finally realized that this fear of mine was never chasing me, it was a part of me. I cannot get away from it, I can only face it.
So today I face it. Today, I begin the tough journey of unlearning so many of the beliefs that I thought were protecting me. Today, I accept that vulnerability is not a weakness that can be eliminated but a fundamental aspect of existence. Today, I recognize that the folks I’ve idolized, the ones that wrote about their great financial walls, feel just as vulnerable and scared as I do. (After all, they wouldn’t have
been writing about those walls if they weren’t trying to convince themselves of their effectiveness)
Today, I sort out my fears from my desires. Today, I reorient my life towards the kind of value that isn’t measured by dollar signs.
I recognize that it won’t be a quick or easy journey. It’s not going to happen overnight, and there are going to be setbacks.
But I take comfort in the fact that this journey didn’t actually start today. It started eight years ago (perhaps twenty-six years ago, or even thirteen point seven billion years ago), and all of that running I’ve been doing might have been in the wrong direction but it was running all the same. It’s gotten me into shape and I’m faster, stronger, and smarter than I was at the start.
I’m not restarting after wasting years of time, I’m just reorienting after spending years learning; I’ve never truly left the path at all.